The master failed writer

I write this post on behalf of failed writers. The definition of a failed writer is simple, and not so simple. A failed writer is one who claims he is a writer; he may even write regularly. Perhaps he writes every day. He might arise each morning at 6:00 a.m. to put pen to page. Let's say he comes up with as many as two thousand words in a sixty-minute interval. We don't care what he writes. Brilliant blog posts. Articles a propos endangered species. Interviews with high profile community figure heads. Full chapters toward potentially best selling novels. Comedy sketches witty and thoughtful enough to put SNL to shame. He dabbles into it all, in fact.

But though this lonely gentleman may be a very skilled writer, and quite a versatile writer (if he does say so himself), he is failing. Because nobody recognizes him as a paid writer. He has no freelancing gigs to speak of. He quit his job as an online newspaper reporter, where he was making a measly $200 a month writing about dog owners (an executed decision because he needed "something deeper"). He toils away at aforementioned materials, sends out resumes for part time this and that for a copy writer, a resume writer, a blog poster, a features editor. In return, he gets no response; in his mind, the sad man is a failed writer. A wordsmith who has thrown his hands in the air and shouted, there is no money to be made--meaningfully or otherwise--in this stupid business.

I know how the man feels. I ran into this stranger one night, late, at the Walgreen's in my Chicago neighborhood, coined Ravenswood. I was there on a mission for eye drops, given my unrelenting, late-summer allergies. And he was there, in aisle 8. His eyes were blood shot (I could relate to that detail too, as it were), and he looked as though he was going to cry (if he had not done already). He appeared drunk, but somehow I knew that he was not drunk. Call it a hunch. Now, I realize it might have been a writer-to-writer hunch. Writers can often sense things of other writers--a sixth sense of sorts--among their species. Is this true? Oh, I don't know.

In any case, this failed writer who appeared drunk but in the end proved only sad and confused and lost as a writer, painfully sober was he, managed to look up to face me. He forced a half smile, and then his gaze returned to what he was erstwhile eyeing: a Maxim magazine. A surge of sympathy--empathy, even--warmed my skin. A blast of raw, sanguine compassion deliberating through my insides. And there, in that moment, I really did feel his pain.

I had half a mind to say something to the red-eyed man. Ask him if he was okay. He certainly didn't appear okay: his hair was a-muck. Either he had recently been having love relations, had come to from a very long nap, had suffered the labors of an unskilled coiffeur, or had been pulling at his roots from frustration and mind chaos. I realized it was the latter--a feeling I know. All too well, in fact.

Many a night have I spent awake, as a writer, or a failed writer, or a not-yet-tried writer, wondering how I could dare put words to page. Words unlike those of the extolled greats, but instead phrases and fragments which read as hardly more than horseshit, really. None of the conjunctions or transitions or topics making sense in juxtaposition. Mismatched metaphors. Hyperbolic expressions, like a child would weave. Weak euphemisms swimming through my prose, like drunken sperm attempting to blindly fertilize an egg--all the while hackneying any attempt at a unified, authoritative voice. I wrote like a fucking child!

'Tis what I thought, when I was alone during those late nights. And so I felt this man's pain in that moment. But though I started to say something to the poor guy, nothing came out. I even tried a couple different times, in a couple different ways. Nothing. As I selected my eye drops and commenced to go, he said something: It's a bitch you know. But when he said it, he was looking down at the Maxim magazine. I didn't respond, but I didn't leave, which to him must have been the same as saying, I beg your pardon?

Avery Dushane, he said. This woman was featured on the cover, I surmised. Later, when I would go home and look it up online, I would learn the featured subject was indeed Avery Dushane. As far as I could tell, just another floozy model that had probably done a million other covers like such. And again, there in the moment, I refrained from an audible response. I only looked at the sad man, which must have conveyed to him, I don't know what you mean.

You know I dated her, he said, as he ran ink-stained fingers through his disheveled coif. It was a question, I guess. Still I didn't say anything; just stood there like a deer in front of a car at night. Long ago, he continued. I took photos of her, even interviewed her. I pitched the piece months after the fact. And this is the bitch of it, he added, his tone moving toward excitement.

And there was me. In a grimy, offensively lit Walgreens somewhere on the northeast side of Chicago. About to hear what the bitch of this man's run in was with Avery Doucheman or whatever and the sad man's business of pitching to magazines. There I stood, serving as listener to this lonely writer's tale. I could tell he was getting a big bang out of it. I'm sure that's how Holden Caulfield would think on the matter, anyhow. For a moment, I even felt like a kind of hero, revealing to this man a sliver of interest in his insignificant plight.

The bitch of it, he repeated, emphasizing the word bitch, was I pitched it to Maxim! We've featured too many European models these past several issues, the man said, in a nasally voice, like he was imitating a whiny child or something. Check back in two years, he mumbled, now in his own voice, and flicked the cover with his inky middle finger.

And then there was silence. Just me standing there, feeling kind of lost and naked and largely sympathetic still, and him shaking his head, surveying the magazine cover as if the opportunity to plunge into its pages and strangle the bodies which comprised the publication's masthead, or Avery such and such herself presented itself, he'd take it at the speed of a sonic boom.

Eh, who cares, it's just a stupid magazine, right? This was his revelation, the sad man's newest audible thought. But this time, I answered. Exactly right, I said, and I managed a subtle smile ... just a stupid magazine. Yeah, he said, nodding and putting the magazine back in its place on the rack. Just a silly magazine. After he said this, we looked at each other for a long moment, with all of the comfortable feelings silently exchanged between old friends. But we weren't old friends, not but for that final moment.

After our few shared seconds, I wondered if the man would be okay. But then it was time to go. I knew I'd never find out. And even now, I hope he is okay--or even writing about not being okay. Failed writer in his mind perhaps, but in mine, a master failed writer ... at least.

My Letter to Michael Pollan

Hi Michael,

I could make this email quite long and explain how I've thought to contact you for several weeks now, after viewing 'Food Inc.' and then voraciously devouring your 'The Omnivore's Dilemma' and 'A Place of My Own.' I could yammer about how both your writing style and belief system have captivated me with a renewed inspiration as a writer, as well as hope that I might yet be able to find a journalistic niche as well.

But now I'm making the email long, so forgive me. I write because I'm attempting to puncture the world of freelance journalism. To do so, I am working on an essay about how the issues you raised in 'The Omnivore's Dilemma' have drastically altered my perspective, allowing me to "wake up," so to speak, to many of the world's issues. To carve my own path as a steward for these issues, as you have done.

But I can't yet get to the bottom of why this information is so fascinating for me. So I thought I'd ask you:

What was the defining moment (or set of events) which led to your unrelenting pursuit to dissect and reveal the Food Industry the way you so deftly do? In short, why food for you? Is it a pursuit that grew unforeseen? Or did you wake up one day and say, Ah ha! Now I know what I must do?

If by some silly chance you respond to this email, might I use your answer in my essay for publication? Either way, I'm ever so obliged, simply for you and for the work that you do.

Kindest regards,

Jinnene Foster
freelance writer/college writing instructor, Chicago

Wake up and smell aware

Recently, I embarked upon a new mission to live awake. That is, to engage in ongoing education (of myself, and then hopefully, for my students) regarding issues in our economy, society and environment. "Sustainability" is the term our world has adopted to coin the trend to improve each of these vital sectors. For each of these systems suffer; not only among my own community in Chicago, but globally as well.

Phrases like "sustainability" and "going green" might unfortunately be apt to serve as reasons for turned heads against these enterprises. I know that, because in the past, these were the exact types of terms I would hear about in social circles, or catch a faint glimpse of in the occasional article, but also never paid much mind to follow up on. This could be due to my (albeit ever maturing) rebellious nature, and a desire to ignore all things media grabbing and seemingly complicated in nature. But I also attribute my ambivalence to just that: the sheer complication of what these issues entail on a community member level.

Going green, as far as I could recently understand, meant paying more mind to recycling, incorporating more LED lights into the household, being mindful toward the amount of energy and water we use at home and a cornucopia of very high-tech, scientific practices that someone on an aspiring freelance writer/part time college teacher's salary could never partake in. Like I own property, or if I did, would I have money to implement a green roof? If only.

But then, several weeks ago, my boyfriend Ian and I visited Nationwide video in Lakeview, for purposes of turning up a new title that might (if we were lucky) assuage our household entertainment thirsts for the evening. We found a couple of winners (the names of which elude me, so maybe they weren't superior winners), and I was pleased. It's always disheartening to leave the video store empty handed, if only because it reminds your cultural craving that a lot of crap film is produced in this world. That or the video store carries a limited selection. Or I simply see more movies than I probably should, as I don't much care for repeat viewings.

But before I checked out, for whatever reason, Food Inc. popped into my mind (it wasn't among the pair we'd selected), and I asked the clerk if the store carried it. The dark-haired, bespectacled and jovial sir looked it up and said they did. Always the compliment to my methods, Ian then graciously retrieved the small tab from where the film lived on the shelves of the section "Documentary/TV Shows" (to signal to future customers the film had been rented). I signed the slip that states I promise to return the selections, we three said our thank yous, exchanged smiles, and Ian and me were homeward bound.

What fun! I thought, as we walked north to the Ravenswood area. I had wanted to see the much talked about film since I attended Michael Pollan's lecture at the Harold Washington Library some years ago (the film is closely correlated with Pollan's work explored through his book, The Omnivore's Dilemma). But little did I know what was in store for me; or that the film would ultimately change my world view. I began to notice this change almost immediately when we arrived home and fired up the DVD. Over the next days, I would observe the change ever more each day as I digested more literature on the subjects explored through the film.

The film, for those who aren't familiar, approaches topics of the U.S. food industry. It delves into the simple, yet not so comfortable question to face: Where the heck does our food really come from? The answers are far less than glamorous. And yet, when you get right down to it, though it can initially be disheartening to learn about the perils of our food economy: that we mistreat animals to produce meat on a mass scale to name one, there is something inherently satisfying about knowing how food A gets from point X to point Y (where Y in this case equals my plate). This film, I would come to find, would set in a motion a quest for me to consider "the truth" behind our food.

Note to the reader: I understand that "truth" is an interpretive concept. Of course I took this material at face value. But believe me when I say that "Food Inc." makes a very compelling argument about the to and fro of American grub.

And so what about all that exactly happened to me--in my mind, and to my senses--in those initial moments of watching the film? It was like my soul was craving a message, and this message was the one to latch upon: Stare your food in the face. Really peer into how our food is processed before reaching our naive little plates.

I don't know about you: I'd rather be disgusted and informed, as opposed to oblivious and not disgusted. That's just me. Awareness is the most beautiful gift in life, even if it can be tough to embrace at first glance.

And more on this upcoming ... In the meantime: Watch Food Inc., and stay informed about what you put in your mouth.

The Careering Uncareerer

It's a lot like trying to fit a giant tub of spaghetti into a tupperware that certainly is not big enough to hold these globby contents.

I know. I did it that time. Maybe not with spaghetti. But one night, on a whim when I made macaroni and cheese because I just had to have it, I also ate like seven bites and then said, shit this stuff is rich. But I couldn't waste it because all over the media, I'd see advertisements for renewable energy and greening our economy, and in the distant social buzz, I'd hear things like sustainability, which really I don't know what is, yet I think it must have a tiny, or big, thing to do with all this environment hoopla.

So I decide to go with the distant, foggy green program in my mind and opt for putting the macaroni ('character noodles' I hear is best) into a container for later. Will I actually eat it later? Who cares. But then I riffle through my container cupboard (because I own one of those specifically so should this situation come up), and I realize there are only two containers in this specialty cupboard: one is a tiny itty wee bit of a tub. In fact, this wee plastic cup contraption, once used by the food industry to transport sour cream of some sort, can barely hold half of a lemon. That, at least I can imagine going in there.

But this galactic portion of macaroni? Not a chance. And on with the riffling through to the other object: a container which was to once hold sour cream as well. Curious. Do I cook often with sour cream? In any case, same sour cream. Bigger container. Still, that mac and cheese character variety ain't going in there.

And there we are. But what's like this? I told you something was like this. Becoming a careering uncareerer. It's like being those contents of enriched flour shapes and cheese powder cream, and not being able to fit in the erstwhile sour cream tub. I want to. Fit, I mean. Because it would prove secure in there, safe from the microbes in the air (though they would find a way in), from the light of the refrigerator, from the garbage disposal or compost pile or dog jaws or whatever.

In there, I could make a living. A living as dead, used, aging macaroni. But at least I'd have a function. If disposed of, I wouldn't really get that, right?

I'm telling you that making a career out of being uncareerable feels like this excess macaroni must feel looking at the container of air, knowing it can't all go in there, despite its unyielding desire (to fit). Painstakingly searching all those search engines (Google typically suffices) and landing on countless job sites and thrusting what would be--save this wannabe sustainable economy, and the invention of emailable CVs--piles of resumes out into cyberspace. Crossing fingers with secret prayers for a response, yet knowing deep within that response will likely evade delivering to any of the players from my media gadget repertoire.

Or maybe this is what it's like to be a writer. Or like that green-going economy, of the wannabe variety. Stuffing a 32-oz box of prepared mac n cheese contents into a 16-oz cup. To be fair, I'm not sure how many ounces are in a prototype of mac n cheese. This, friends, is the mark of a proper lazy journalist. Would I deserve a fellowship of some sort, in that trade? I'm pretty sure McGee and Snee foundation would want a lazy journalist. A careering uncareerer.

You shouldn't wrap your head around it too tightly. To be sure, the careering uncareerer is a lot like macaroni and cheese and a comparatively microscopic sour cream container.

Haiku is Back

1. Me, Wizard

I saved you from death
A fucking wizard! you said
And then you shot me

2. What's With You?

Penguin, what's with you?
You're black and white, and you swim
Penguin, you're funny

3. Vomit

The smell of vomit
I smell it, and I vomit
I feel really sick

4. Cheap Hair

My hair is cheap shit
You look at it, and you lick it
Now I feel dirty

Top 5 Ways to Save on Snacks at the Movie Theatre

We all know that in an age where movies at the theatre are no longer just movies, but 3-D spectacle-a-thons, it’s virtually impossible to foot the bill for tickets. After paying for How to Train Your Dragon, you think you’ll have any scratch left for snacks? Forget it. Why not smuggle your own snacks into the theatre? Here’s a list of strategies how to pull it off.

1. Dress loosely. Sorry ladies. This means you can’t wear those pleather, skin-tight trousers. You’ve got to think more along the lines of artsy frock, or cargo dungarees. This way, you can slip that flat box of chocolate covered raisins into the side pockets.

2. Bring a buddy, or better: three. While going to the movies can be a hoot by yourself, lest you yield to the movie choice of a friend who’s got no film taste, you’ll need the extra pocket room. The more friends, the more places, not to mention arms, you’ll have along for stowing away snacks like licorice, chips and peanut butter cups on the sly.

3. Wear a small backpack with a side pocket for water bottles. This is a nice choice for those with a conscience, those who feel better having their “drink” of choice out in the open. Particularly in the city, the backpacker with water bottle is common. Select a dark water bottle or thermos so you can enjoy soda in the theatre.

4. Upon entering the theatre, drape your jacket over your arm; clutch snacks under the jacket. After you gain experience with this, it works like a charm. In warmer weather, no worries: bring a lighter jacket or a button down shirt.

5. Prepare a meal to stow, or pack baked goods carefully into a shopping bag. This works nicely if you select a theatre that sits pretty among a shopping district. No ticket seller is going to think: “Hmm. I wonder what this guy has in that Crate & Barrel bag," will he?

Now, go enjoy the movie-going experience on a dime!

rainbow mystery

curious rainbow
you pirouette
upon my window shade
like a pup
yearning to fetch

curious rainbow
you're only vapor and dust
yet
you see, like a friend
and you emanate

like the light bulbs that
exploded
when my father
blew a fuse
at Christmastime

lemonade pours upon ice
and I am gone
mother's happy pecks
upon my dirtied head

but when I return
curious rainbow
you too have vanished

talk

listen about the jet stream
of flight
heard overhead
whilst below a sparkly unicorn
spoke with a triceratops

prattling, were they
under a canopy of verdant
leaves high above
yet

close upon
the maniacal waterfalls
and
misty hydrogen kisses

water drops danced upon
triceratops'
one and only horn

when the genius unicorn
comrade said
Harry
you've traveled in time

Hunger

There once lived a beast
Who hungered for a bone

I cannot sleep
The little beast thought

He tossed
And turned

He lounged around
His home

He did not excite over a walk
Over a squirrel

When his master said
What’s wrong, sport?

The little beast placed his head
Upon his paws
And sighed

One day, a young woman appeared
In the doorway

The master looked at her
And then at the little beast

And she looked at the master
And then at the little beast

Honey, perhaps he wants a bone
She said

The little beast perked his ears
And his head came off his paws

A bone? It has to be!
The master said

Beast went hungry no more
The end