1) Don't date people who are clearly not your type for more than one month.
2) Don't sleep with friends of exes, siblings of exes, parents of exes, or...well, exes.
3) Don't do the opposite of something that your gut is telling you to do.
4) Call your parents as often as possible, even if they drive you insane.
5) Exercise at least 3 times each week; yes (good) sex counts, no masturbating does not.
6) If there is a tiny little thing in your brain ANYWHERE that tells you to do something, something that could be you, something that could help you become a better person for being on this earth, or more excited that you exist, or eager to love yourself and others: DO IT. Or, at the very least, try it until you prove yourself wrong. But I have an inkling you are right.
Clearly, #6 is the most important of this lot. Right, I am addicted to my parents and for christ's sake, when I'm sexually active, I want to justify that it (the hottest sex that exists) counts for a daily dose of cardio, but what's most important in life, is that we follow our dreams. Now I'll highlight for you the action you must take after you have committed to accepting #6 as your constitutional code of conduct (call it #6 in your mind):
a) If you have a full-time job which you hate and that starts at something stupid like...any time before 10 a.m., quit it. Quit it at once. I mean, shit you don't have to just up and bail. Ride the integrity wave; put in a solid, expected two weeks. Be professional about it.
b) But don't answer any questions that your boss asks. Fuck him or her. They don't need to know.
c) Pray that whatever force you name the force that is responsible for blessing you with days that could be something close to "good days," will also deliver answers to you while you figure out what the fuck you are going to do after you quit this job semi-impulsively, okay completely impulsively.
d) Party each eve of the fortnight after you are officially jobless to celebrate your new-found lack of attachment to something in your life that was erstwhile holding you back from #6. Yet don't do shots. I suggest you conserve some energy for the days, during which you'll need to get on the bandwagon of doing research; looking for fun, part-time jobs, calling companies, talking to people, networking with friends, former co-workers, etc. Polish and then send your resume everywhere. Ask anyone and everyone for work. Take comfort that you did the right thing by leaving your job. The pieces will start to come together. If you forget this, refer to c).
e) Allow yourself to become a little broke. Maxing out credit cards is a good way to do this. Hate to break it to ya, but the only way to learn the value of a dollar--particularly for those of you who are in debt, and yes having a Macy's card with $500 counts, debt is debt--is to scare yourself into thinking you may have to crash on your mom's (insert, if applicable, brother's or cousin's or ex-girlfriend's) couch for 3-12 months until you stop freaking out and finally get a plan together to rebuild your life after you've officially gone broke. By the way, your mom, or applicable connection, lives in the middle of fucking nowhere. You're a city rat, so suburbs of suburbs are not exactly the environmental racket you can imagine will offer for you a zen piece-of-mind, and ultimately expedite your trip up the mountain to happiness. Don't worry: statistically speaking, fear is the best way to light fires under tails. You'll find something before you go bankrupt, I just know it.
f) Meet people. And I mean anyone and fucking everyone. It can seem like a chore, but it helps you to feel connected in society. And without connection, how can we care about #6? Talk to people on buses and trains, at the local Jewel Osco, in neighborhood watering holes, through grated walls at churches (I'm not suggesting you go to confession, yet communication is what it is). Talk to your dog or cat or hamster. Do stupid "if this happens, then it's a good sign..." shit. And don't stop doing those stupid things--like counting the number of clouds in the sky, or how many hot men/women walk by a corner in 60 seconds--until you can convince yourself you have all good signs.
g) Don't settle for bad signs. They are bullshit; they do not exist.
h) Be patient, especially when you are most exhausted. Think about the one thing in this world that sets you apart from others, whether it's a competition you won, a marathon you completed, a degree you obtained, or a record you set for most sexual partners among your friends. Whatever is good, is real. Whatever is real, will keep you going. If you keep going and you have your eye set on the ball of #6, then due to laws of nature and physics, happiness will in fact ensue.
i) I think I'll stop here at i). I could go on for days, but if you've read this far, I truly love you as a fellow human being, or someone who pretends to be my friend, or one who actually just wants to fuck me. Whatever, I love you forev. I'll leave you with this, it's not complicated or ground-breaking. It's just the straight up truth for success as I've learned it after 30 some odd years on this planet:
ii) Just think about today...could be all you 'got.
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