The Girl's Frozen Lover

There once was a girl who fell deeply in love with a man. Trouble was, this man's heart was partially frozen over. Now after the girl and the man met, they were in love with each other for a short time. Fireworks, oral sex, nights on the town, whatever you imagine. But eventually, the ice in the man's chest began to spread; misunderstandings commenced, emotions ran rampant, and the girl found herself plummeting into a pit for people who had lost their self control.

In this pit, a decrepit old lady approached the girl and asked, How did you fall down here, little miss? The girl, bleary eyed from heartbreak, said, My lover's heart froze over... And then the girl's words trailed off, as she surveyed the dimensions of the pit, craning her neck in each direction. As her gaze landed on the pit's rocky floor, the girl continued...I couldn't love him enough.

Oh no, little miss. I'm sure that's a trailer park full of horsewash, the old lady said. Everyone knows that up there, love melts ice anywhere on a man. But the girl shook her head feverishly and said, Nuh uh, not true. I served him love every chance I found. Here, here's some love. Tell me how I can help you, I would say. Or, Do you want me to go down on you? Here's more love. How is your sick grandfather, Ernie  doing? Do you want to go see that new Batman movie that's coming out? Can we hang out? I'd like to know how you're doing.

The girl's eyes glistened, but she would not give into her tears. After all, her integrity had taken a big hit by falling into this dirty pit in the first place. But he wasn't having it, the girl continued. Go away! He would storm. No! I'm busy with work, and I don't care to be tempted by you! Just...let me be, he would say to me. Time and time again, he said the same thing: Let me be.

The old lady furled her brow and asked, So was your boyfriend's sick pops a looker? No, sorry what I meant was, twisted sister, why wouldn't you leave the poor fella alone? I did, the girl replied. But my love for him continued to grow, despite his freezing heart. And so I would go back and try again, thinking love would have to win. He would have to care eventually. Love wins every race, right? I mean, you're an old ba--the girl started, and then stopped herself. You've lived for a long time, the girl said. Maybe you know what I'm doing wrong?

Little sister, why in the hell do you think I'm in here? I married a snowman! The girl was aghast. She began to panic. But then she looked around at all of the zombies that surrounded her in the pit. If she did flip out, at least she'd be among good, sympathetic company. Does love really not beat out an iced-over heart? Is there no way to reign if love is on your side? And then, the girl lost her cool entirely. She shook the old lady's arms and said, WILL I EVER BE LOVED THE WAY I DESERVE TO BE LOVED!!??

The old lady calmly freed herself from the girl's white-knuckled grip, stroked the girl's long, dark locks, offered a soothing, shhhh, and said in the girl's ear, flatly and quietly: Probably not during your pit-dwelling lifetime, little miss. But don't despair; there's a helluva bar down here, and most of the time, the drink specials are good enough to knock your ice-man's balls off!